Monday, July 24, 2017

Fun: My Tricked-out Walker, From 40 years ago

When I was in my twenties, age 30 was considered "over the hill." So, if this was going to happen to me, I planned how I could go over the hill in style:

I went shopping for my walker!

Basic Walker
Since I was going to be an old man, I insisted on a light-weight, aluminum walker.

I identified one feature where quality is important: I wanted solid rubber hand grips. I'm a large man and break into a sweat easily, so they needed to be pitted  rubber for a solid grasp.

The streamers that fluttered down the back of the handles could be vinyl, but the handles themselves had to be rubber!

(It's at this point my audience realizes that I'm pulling their leg, but they continue to listen politely.)

Handle Streamers

Next, I needed a change tray across the top for my room key and quarters for my beer.

Oh! And I needed a one-beer beer koozie because us old men don't have quite the bladder capacity that we once had.

I needed/wanted a modesty panel for the front of my walker (same issue: bladder capacity).
Modesty Panel

At this point, I couldn't decide if I wanted tasteful pin-stripes around the edge of my modesty panel or if should add an air scoop and zebra strips.

Life distracted me, and I never did purchase my walker.

I've told this story many times in the 40 years since then. Invariably someone would point out a feature or an option that I overlooked. Here are some:
  • Training wheels
  • Cruise control
  • A small handle that flips out as a "side-walker" for my dates
  • A plastic Jesus that glows in the dark to sit in my change tray
  • Someone suggested adding a second shelf under the change tray to keep a (pink) knitted pillow
  • Twin deluxe rear view side mirrors.
    • The mirrors are necessary to mount stereo speakers connected to the 8-track player mounted under the pillow tray
  • A bobble-head dog for my change tray. In 2019 I discovered that a bobble-head Jesus is available.
  • A raccoon's tail for the CB whip antenna (I was in Louisiana at the time)
  • Someone suggested a gun rack (Louisiana, remember?), but we could not figure out a way to mount it. I didn't have a gun but I could use it for my umbrella.
  • (No one mentioned how to carry golf clubs!)
Probably 20 years passed before anyone mentioned proper walker attire:
  • I would need a gown that ties up the back
    • Monogrammed? Izod?
    • (no one mentioned quality or pattern of the material.)
  • I should have a plastic ID bracelet with my name and room number.
  • Paper sandals with super-grip tracking ribs on the bottom
Cell phones/mobile phones weren't en vogue at the time, so phone holders haven't been suggested. yet.

Funny how my perspective has changed now that I'm in my sixties: Thirty-somethings look like kids, but I'm even more serious about tricking out my old-age-accessories!

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