Friday, November 17, 2017

Lonesome? Lonely?

The most difficult time for me is after I turn out the lights and before I fall asleep. That's when the brain starts to go full speed.

The earlier I go to bed, and the less tired I am, the more active my thoughts become!

In my younger days, I could review my day at work or explore fantasies (usually sexual). I wasn't even aware when consciousness left me. Suddenly the alarm goes off and it's time to start another day.

Last night, as I closed my eyes to sleep, I finally admitted to myself I was lonesome. Or should I say lonely?

This morning, I looked up that difference on Google.

The summary read "lonesome person has hope, a lonely person, not so much. But generally, lonely is meant to mean lack of companionship and personification of that lack (e.g. Houses cannot be lonely unless it is personified), whereas lonesome signifies something desolate, secluded, or solitary like a lonesome house."

The "not so much" is attributed to country music "...lonely person is alone and has no sweetheart. A lonesome person is alone, but has someone, somewhere, whose memory of helps that person persevere through the times of being alone."

However, "In American English, lonesome means the same as lonely:"

Last night I was alone and had no sweetheart either with me or in the (near?) future.

Using the words "lonely" or "lonesome" is usually an academic discussion. It was something I had never thought about before.

Last night, not so much. Neither the thrill of pursuit nor fond remembrances from the past bring me the distraction to drift off to sleep. I no longer visit them.

Since Bobby died, I discovered that my TV has a timer that I can set for 30-60 minutes. If my cable box is untouched for 4 hours then it shuts itself off, too.  When I sleep alone in my own bed, my TV keeps me company. I turn the sound down to where the words are there but are unintelligible. I set the timer, then roll over and turn my back.

That doesn't calm my mind. It just keeps me company.

What I've found myself doing for the last year is staying awake until after midnight, sometimes until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. I engage in binge TV or read a good book or surf on the Internet/computer.

The time between turning out the lights and falling asleep is really really short because I'm really tired.

But last night I felt lonely.

I've learned this about myself. I really miss having someone to sleep with.

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